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June 13 Im One Proud PrincessI have't written in a very long time and I feel very very guilty. Sometimes feelings and emotions are couped up inside your head so long (actually only a couple of weeks) that you feel your head is going to explode. Right now, even though it's 1 in the morning, even though I have school tomorrow and my stomach is growling with hunger, I feel an urgent need to write everything down so as to give my already crowded brain some peace. The reason I've neglected Tasmania1988 for so long is because I've been engaged with POTO fanfiction! Yes! I came across this fanfiction.net one day and saw thousands of Phantom of the Opera stories. They were so tempting because firstly, I just saw the movie 3 months ago, and secondly, I was curious so I started reading some and I couldnt stop! My favourites are Cold Cold Heart and The Girl Next Door written by a really talented and funny English girl named Kate. I've also read some fanfiction on Sailor Moon, Inuyasha and Marching Band. Most of these lacked the depth and emotional struggles of POTO, which I so dearly love. The only exeptions were Twilight Bastille and The Line series. Anyways, no more fanficiton. I doubt anybody who reads this won't understand a thing I'm saying, unless you've been on fanfiction.net before.
My teacher asked me to take part in this environmental ambassador activity held by the British consulate and the city's education department. The register form asked about the environmental activities I've participated in or the research I've done and I, though I consider myself eco-friendly, felt dreadful to admit that I didn't know what to write because I have never taken part in any activites of such kind. I used to think I was an environmental enthusiastic and I blamed my lack of action on the wonderfully enormous amount of homework. Last month I read about a Shanghai student who set up a sort of eco-conservation group in her school and did alot of impressing work, eventually earning her a place at Yale University. Whilst I respect this girl for her dedication to environmental protection and admire her social skills, I also started to reflect on myself. I mean, I've wanted to be a zoologist for a long time, or maybe a veteranarian, but except for a few close friends and my Bio teacher, no one else has really supported me. Actually I don't mind the lack of support because It's all up to me and my effort, but the frustrating is, my parents are actually against me! For goodness sakes! I don't know why! I know I'm not very smart and I don't exel in any subject but why do they have to dissaprove of my ideas? Mom doesn't really say it out loud, but she's always giving me hints that I should study finance, anything else but biology or other science subjects. Dad on the other hand, just laughs at me and never takes my suggestions seriously. Of all people I thought dad would understand me since he's a doctor but NO! I don't know what he feels about my ideas but it gives me the impression that he doubts my abilities. Mom's always talking about money. I know, I know that money would a critical factor in my future. After all, we need to be fed before our organs can run smoothly, but money is never the only thing that matters. I don't know about other people, because I seriously doubt that mom and dad had any real dreams when they were my age (considering the backround of that particular time, its understandable), but I don't think I can carry a life sitting in a stuffy cubicle in an air conditioned office earning piles of money. My free spirit doesn't allow me to have that kind of life. Speaking of free spirit, I really have to thank the Lord for those precious years in Montreal, embebbing an affinity for nature in my body and mind.
There are so many decisions that you have to make in life. Even though I'm already an adult, I certainly don't act life one.and to be honest, I've never made any big decisions on my own yet. I've lived my 18 years under the wings of my parents, clean and warm but now, when it is time to take flight, I feel less than unprepared for this journey. I wish my parents didn't treat me like a child, or is it my shyness and stupid ignorance that has led to my immaturity?
Lots of questions marks in my head. The world can be full of mystery and change, making it hard to comprehend, and even more difficult for a young mind like my own.
Robert Frost to end this silly blog (sorry for the poor writing):
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
Ok. I have to stop now. I'm making a staggering amount of spelling mistakes and I'm really going to kill my brain with only 4 hours of sleep!! Goodnight, seriously.
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